The Comedy of Errors

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Original text
Act III, Scene I
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo
the Goldsmith, and Balthaser the Merchant.

E.Anti.
Good signior Angelo you must excuse vs all, 
My wife is shrewish when I keepe not howres; 
Say that I lingerd with you at your shop 
To see the making of her Carkanet, 
And that to morrow you will bring it home. 
But here's a villaine that would face me downe 
He met me on the Mart, and that I beat him, 
And charg'd him with a thousand markes in gold, 
And that I did denie my wife and house; 
Thou drunkard thou, what didst thou meane by this? 

E.Dro.
Say what you wil sir, but I know what I know, 
That you beat me at the Mart I haue your hand to show; 
If yr skin were parchment, & ye blows you gaue were ink, 
Your owne hand-writing would tell you what I thinke. 

E.Ant.
I thinke thou art an asse. 

E.Dro.
Marry so it doth appeare 
By the wrongs I suffer, and the blowes I beare, 
I should kicke being kickt, and being at that passe, 
You would keepe from my heeles, and beware of an asse. 

E.An.
Y'are sad signior Balthazar, pray God our cheer 
May answer my good will, and your good welcom here. 

Bal.
I hold your dainties cheap sir, & your welcom deer. 

E.An.
Oh signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish, 
A table full of welcome, makes scarce one dainty dish. 

Bal.
Good meat sir is cõmon that euery churle affords. 

Anti.
And welcome more common, for thats nothing but words. 

Bal.
Small cheere and great welcome, makes a merrie feast. 

Anti.
I, to a niggardly Host, and more sparing guest: 
But though my cates be meane, take them in good part, 
Better cheere may you haue, but not with better hart. 
But soft, my doore is lockt; goe bid them let vs in. 

E.Dro.
Maud, Briget, Marian, Cisley, Gillian, Ginn. 

S.Dro.
Mome, Malthorse, Capon, Coxcombe, Idiot, Patch, 
Either get thee from the dore, or sit downe at the hatch: 
Dost thou coniure for wenches, that yu calst for such store, 
When one is one too many, goe get thee from the dore. 

E.Dro.
What patch is made our Porter? my Master stayes in the street. 

S.Dro.
Let him walke from whence he came, lest hee catch cold on's feet. 

E.Ant.
Who talks within there? hoa, open the dore. 

S.Dro.

Right sir, Ile tell you when, and you'll tell me wherefore. 

Ant.
Wherefore? for my dinner: I haue not din'd to day. 

S.Dro.
Nor to day here you must not come againe when you may. 

Anti.
What art thou that keep'st mee out from the howse I owe? 

S.Dro.

The Porter for this time Sir, and my name is Dromio. 

E.Dro.
O villaine, thou hast stolne both mine office and my name, 
The one nere got me credit, the other mickle blame: 
If thou hadst beene Dromio to day in my place, 
Thou wouldst haue chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an asse. 
Enter Luce.

Luce.
What a coile is there Dromio? who are those at the gate? 

E.Dro.
Let my Master in Luce. 

Luce.
Faith no, hee comes too late, 
and so tell your Master. 

E.Dro.
O Lord I must laugh, 
haue at you with a Prouerbe, / Shall I set in my staffe. 

Luce.
Haue at you with another, that's when? can you tell? 

S.Dro.
If thy name be called Luce, Luce thou hast answer'd him well. 

Anti.
Doe you heare you minion, you'll let vs in I hope? 

Luce.
I thought to haue askt you. 

S.Dro.
And you said no. 

E.Dro.
So come helpe, well strooke, there was blow for blow. 

Anti.
Thou baggage let me in. 

Luce.
Can you tell for whose sake? 

E.Drom.
Master, knocke the doore hard. 

Luce.
Let him knocke till it ake. 

Anti.
You'll crie for this minion, if I beat the doore downe. 

Luce.
What needs all that, and a paire of stocks in the towne? 
Enter Adriana.

Adr.
Who is that at the doore yt keeps all this noise? 

S.Dro.

By my troth your towne is troubled with vnruly boies. 

Anti.
Are you there Wife? you might haue come before. 

Adri.
Your wife sir knaue? go get you from the dore. 

E.Dro.
If you went in paine Master, this knaue wold goe sore. 

Angelo.
Heere is neither cheere sir, nor welcome, we would faine haue either. 

Baltz.
In debating which was best, wee shall part with neither. 

E.Dro.
They stand at the doore, Master, bid them welcome hither. 

Anti.
There is something in the winde, that we cannot get in. 

E.Dro.
You would say so Master, if your garments were thin. 
Your cake here is warme within: you stand here in the cold. 
It would make a man mad as a Bucke to be so bought and sold.

Ant.
Go fetch me something, Ile break ope the gate. 

S.Dro.

Breake any breaking here, and Ile breake your knaues pate. 

E.Dro.
A man may breake a word with your sir, and words are but winde: 
I and breake it in your face, so he break it not behinde. 

S.Dro.

It seemes thou want'st breaking, out vpon thee hinde. 

E.Dro.
Here's too much out vpon thee, I pray thee let me in. 

S.Dro.
I, when fowles haue no feathers, and fish haue no fin. 

Ant.
Well, Ile breake in: go borrow me a crow. 

E.Dro.
A crow without feather, Master meane you so; 
For a fish without a finne, ther's a fowle without a fether, 
If a crow help vs in sirra, wee'll plucke a crow together. 

Ant.
Go, get thee gon, fetch me an iron Crow. 

Balth.
Haue patience sir, oh let it not be so, 
Heerein you warre against your reputation, 
And draw within the compasse of suspect 
Th' vnuiolated honor of your wife. 
Once this your long experience of your wisedome, 
Her sober vertue, yeares, and modestie, 
Plead on your part some cause to you vnknowne; 
And doubt not sir, but she will well excuse 
Why at this time the dores are made against you. 
Be rul'd by me, depart in patience, 
And let vs to the Tyger all to dinner, 
And about euening come your selfe alone, 
To know the reason of this strange restraint: 
If by strong hand you offer to breake in 
Now in the stirring passage of the day, 
A vulgar comment will be made of it; 
And that supposed by the common rowt 
Against your yet vngalled estimation, 
That may with foule intrusion enter in, 
And dwell vpon your graue when you are dead; 
For slander liues vpon succession: 
For euer hows'd, where it gets possession. 

Anti.
You haue preuail'd, I will depart in quiet, 
And in despight of mirth meane to be merrie: 
I know a wench of excellent discourse, 
Prettie and wittie; wilde, and yet too gentle; 
There will we dine: this woman that I meane 
My wife (but I protest without desert) 
Hath oftentimes vpbraided me withall: 
To her will we to dinner, get you home 
And fetch the chaine, by this I know 'tis made, 
Bring it I pray you to the Porpentine, 
For there's the house: That chaine will I bestow 
(Be it for nothing but to spight my wife) 
Vpon mine hostesse there, good sir make haste: 
Since mine owne doores refuse to entertaine me, 
Ile knocke else-where, to see if they'll disdaine me. 

Ang.
Ile meet you at that place some houre hence. 

Anti.
Do so, this iest shall cost me some expence. 
Exeunt.

Original text
Act III, Scene II
Enter Iuliana, with Antipholus of Siracusia.

Iulia.
And may it be that you haue quite forgot
A husbands office? shall Antipholus
Euen in the spring of Loue, thy Loue-springs rot?
Shall loue in buildings grow so ruinate?
If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealths-sake vse her with more kindnesse:
Or if you like else-where doe it by stealth,
Muffle your false loue with some shew of blindnesse:
Let not my sister read it in your eye:
Be not thy tongue thy owne shames Orator:
Looke sweet, speake faire, become disloyaltie:
Apparell vice like vertues harbenger:
Beare a faire presence, though your heart be tainted,
Teach sinne the carriage of a holy Saint,
Be secret false: what need she be acquainted?
What simple thiefe brags of his owne attaine?
'Tis double wrong to truant with your bed,
And let her read it in thy lookes at boord:
Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed,
Ill deeds is doubled with an euill word:
Alas poore women, make vs not beleeue
(Being compact of credit) that you loue vs,
Though others haue the arme, shew vs the sleeue:
We in your motion turne, and you may moue vs.
Then gentle brother get you in againe;
Comfort my sister, cheere her, call her wise;
'Tis holy sport to be a little vaine,
When the sweet breath of flatterie conquers strife.

S.Anti.
Sweete Mistris, what your name is else I know not;
Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine:
Lesse in your knowledge, and your grace you show not,
Then our earths wonder, more then earth diuine.
Teach me deere creature how to thinke and speake:
Lay open to my earthie grosse conceit:
Smothred in errors, feeble, shallow, weake,
The foulded meaning of your words deceit:
Against my soules pure truth, why labour you,
To make it wander in an vnknowne field?
Are you a god? would you create me new?
Transforme me then, and to your powre Ile yeeld.
But if that I am I, then well I know,
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage doe I owe:
Farre more, farre more, to you doe I decline:
Oh traine me not sweet Mermaide with thy note,
To drowne me in thy sister floud of teares:
Sing Siren for thy selfe, and I will dote:
Spread ore the siluer waues thy golden haires;
And as a bud Ile take thee, and there lie:
And in that glorious supposition thinke,
He gaines by death, that hath such meanes to die:
Let Loue, being light, be drowned if she sinke.

Luc.
What are you mad, that you doe reason so?

Ant.
Not mad, but mated, how I doe not know.

Luc.
It is a fault that springeth from your eie.

Ant.
For gazing on your beames faire sun being by.

Luc.
Gaze when you should, and that will cleere your sight.

Ant.
As good to winke sweet loue, as looke on night.

Luc.
Why call you me loue? Call my sister so.

Ant.
Thy sisters sister.

Luc.
That's my sister.

Ant.
No:
it is thy selfe, mine owne selfes better part:
Mine eies cleere eie, my deere hearts deerer heart;
My foode, my fortune, and my sweet hopes aime;
My sole earths heauen, and my heauens claime.

Luc.
All this my sister is, or else should be.

Ant.
Call thy selfe sister sweet, for I am thee:
Thee will I loue, and with thee lead my life;
Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife:
Giue me thy hand.

Luc.
Oh soft sir, hold you still:
Ile fetch my sister to get her good will.• Exit.


Enter Dromio, Siracusia.

Ant.
Why how now Dromio,
where run'st thou so fast?

S.Dro.
Doe you know me sir? Am I
Dromio? Am I your man? Am I my selfe?

Ant.
Thou art Dromio, thou
art my man, thou art thy selfe.

Dro.
I am an asse, I am a womans
man, and besides my selfe.

Ant.
What womans man? and
how besides thy selfe?

Dro.
Marrie sir, besides my selfe, I am
due to a woman: One that claimes me, one that haunts
me, one that will haue me.

Anti.
What claime laies she to
thee?

Dro.
Marry sir, such claime as you
would lay to your horse, and she would haue me as a
beast, not that I beeing a beast she would haue me,
but that she being a verie beastly creature layes claime
to me.

Anti.
What is she?

Dro.
A very reuerent body: I such
a one, as a man may not speake of, without he say sir reuerence,
I haue but leane lucke in the match, and yet
is she a wondrous fat marriage.

Anti.
How dost thou meane a fat
marriage?

Dro.
Marry sir, she's the Kitchin
wench, & al grease, and I know not what vse to put
her too, but to make a Lampe of her, and run from her by
her owne light. I warrant, her ragges and the Tallow in
them, will burne a Poland Winter: If she liues till doomesday,
she'l burne a weeke longer then the whole World.

Anti.
What complexion is she
of?

Dro.
Swart like my shoo, but her face
nothing like so cleane kept: for why? she sweats a man
may goe ouer-shooes in the grime of it.

Anti.
That's a fault that water
will mend.

Dro.
No sir, 'tis in graine, Noahs
flood could not do it.

Anti.
What's her name?

Dro.
Nell Sir: but her name is
three quarters, that's an Ell and three quarters, will
not measure her from hip to hip.

Anti.
Then she beares some
bredth?

Dro.
No longer from head to foot,
then from hippe o hippe: she is sphericall, like a globe: I
could find out Countries in her.

Anti.
In what part of her body
stands Ireland?

Dro.
Marry sir in her buttockes, I
found it out by the bogges.

Ant.
Where Scotland?

Dro.
I found it by the barrennesse,
hard in the palme of the hand.

Ant.
Where France?

Dro.
In her forhead, arm'd
and reuerted, making warre against her heire.

Ant.
Where England?

Dro.
I look'd for the chalkle Cliffes,
but I could find no whitenesse in them. But I guesse, it
stood in her chin by the salt rheume that ranne betweene
France, and it.

Ant.
Where Spaine?

Dro.
Faith I saw it not: but I felt
it hot in her breth.

Ant.
Where America, the Indies?

Dro.
Oh sir, vpon her nose, all ore
embellished with Rubies, Carbuncles, Saphires, declining
their rich Aspect to the hot breath of Spaine, who
sent whole Armadoes of Carrects to be ballast at her nose.

Anti.
Where stood Belgia, the
Netherlands?

Dro.
Oh sir, I did not looke so low.
To conclude, this drudge or Diuiner layd claime to mee,
call'd mee Dromio, swore I was assur'd to her, told me
what priuie markes I had about mee, as the marke of my
shoulder, the Mole in my necke, the great Wart on my
left arme, that I amaz'd ranne from her as a witch.
And I thinke, if my brest had not beene made of faith, and my heart of steele,
she had transform'd me to a Curtull dog, & made me turne i'th wheele.

Anti.
Go hie thee presently, post to the rode,
And if the winde blow any way from shore,
I will not harbour in this Towne to night.
If any Barke put forth, come to the Mart,
Where I will walke till thou returne to me:
If euerie one knowes vs, and we know none,
'Tis time I thinke to trudge, packe, and be gone.

Dro.
As from a Beare a man would run for life,
So flie I from her that would be my wife.
Exit

Anti.
There's none but Witches do inhabite heere,
And therefore 'tis hie time that I were hence:
She that doth call me husband, euen my soule
Doth for a wife abhorre. But her faire sister
Possest with such a gentle soueraigne grace,
Of such inchanting presence and discourse,
Hath almost made me Traitor to my selfe:
But least my selfe be guilty to selfe wrong,
Ile stop mine eares against the Mermaids song.
Enter Angelo with the Chaine.

Ang.
Mr Antipholus.

Anti.
I that's my name.

Ang.
I know it well sir, loe here's the chaine,
I thought to haue tane you at the Porpentine,
The chaine vnfinish'd made me stay thus long.

Anti.
What is your will that I shal do with this?

Ang.
What please your selfe sir: I haue made it for you.

Anti.
Made it for me sir, I bespoke it not.

Ang.
Not once, nor twice, but twentie times you haue:
Go home with it, and please your Wife withall,
And soone at supper time Ile visit you,
And then receiue my money for the chaine.

Anti.
I pray you sir receiue the money now.
For feare you ne're see chaine, nor mony more.

Ang
You are a merry man sir, fare you well.
Exit.

Ant.
What I should thinke of this, I cannot tell:
But this I thinke, there's no man is so vaine,
That would refuse so faire an offer'd Chaine.
I see a man heere needs not liue by shifts,
When in the streets he meetes such Golden gifts:
Ile to the Mart, and there for Dromio stay,
If any ship put out, then straight away.
Exit.
Modern text
Act III, Scene I
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo
the goldsmith, and Balthasar the merchant

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all.
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here's a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou – what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know:
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show.
If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer, and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kicked, and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You're sad, Signor Balthasar. Pray God our cheer
May answer my good will, and your good welcome here.

BALTHASAR
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
O, Signor Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHASAR
Good meat, sir, is common. That every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And welcome more common, for that's nothing but words.

BALTHASAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part.
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But soft, my door is locked. Go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
Mome, malthorse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch,
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou callest for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? – My master stays in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who talks within, there? Hoa, open the door.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
Right, sir, I'll tell you when an you'll tell me wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Wherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
Nor today here you must not. Come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O, villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.
Enter Luce

LUCE
What a coil is there, Dromio! Who are those at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE
Faith, no, he comes too late;
And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O Lord, I must laugh.
Have at you with a proverb: shall I set in my staff?

LUCE
Have at you with another. That‘s ‘When? Can you tell?’

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
If thy name be called Luce, Luce, thou hast answered him well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Do you hear, you minion? You'll let us in, I trow

LUCE
I thought to have asked you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
So, come – help. Well struck! There was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Thou baggage, let me in.

LUCE
Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE
Let him knock till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

LUCE
What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Enter Adriana

ADRIANA
Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Are you there, wife? You might have come before.

ADRIANA
Your wife, sir knave? Go get you from the door.
Exit with Luce

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.

ANGELO
Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain have either.

BALTHASAR
In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome hither.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within. You stand here in the cold.
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go fetch me something. I'll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
It seems thou wantest breaking. Out upon thee, hind!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here's too much ‘ Out upon thee.’ I pray thee, let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within)
Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Well, I'll break in. Go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A crow without feather, master – mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather. –
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHASAR
Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so.
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this: your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown.
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me. Depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it,
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead.
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever housed where it gets possession.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet,
And in despite of mirth mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle.
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife – but, I protest, without desert
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal.
To her will we to dinner. (To Angelo) Get you home
And fetch the chain. By this, I know, 'tis made.
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine,
For there's the house. That chain will I bestow –
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife –
Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I'll knock elsewhere to see if they'll disdain me.

ANGELO
I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Do so. – This jest shall cost me some expense.
Exeunt
Modern text
Act III, Scene II
Enter Luciana with Antipholus of Syracuse

LUCIANA
And may it be that you have quite forgot
A husband's office? Shall, Antipholus,
Even in the spring of love thy love-springs rot?
Shall love in building grow so ruinous?
If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
Then for her wealth's sake use her with more kindness;
Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth –
Muffle your false love with some show of blindness.
Let not my sister read it in your eye.
Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator.
Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty.
Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger.
Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted;
Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint;
Be secret-false – what need she be acquainted?
What simple thief brags of his own attaint?
'Tis double wrong to truant with your bed
And let her read it in thy looks at board.
Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed;
Ill deeds is doubled with an evil word.
Alas, poor women, make us but believe –
Being compact of credit – that you love us.
Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve.
We in your motion turn, and you may move us.
Then, gentle brother, get you in again.
Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife.
'Tis holy sport to be a little vain
When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Sweet mistress, what your name is else I know not,
Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine.
Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not
Than our earth's wonder, more than earth divine.
Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak.
Lay open to my earthy gross conceit,
Smothered in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,
The folded meaning of your words' deceit.
Against my soul's pure truth why labour you
To make it wander in an unknown field?
Are you a god? Would you create me new?
Transform me, then, and to your power I'll yield.
But if that I am I, then well I know
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
Nor to her bed no homage do I owe.
Far more, far more to you do I decline.
O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note
To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears.
Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote.
Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs
And as a bed I'll take thee, and there lie,
And in that glorious supposition think
He gains by death that hath such means to die.
Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink.

LUCIANA
What, are you mad, that you do reason so?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Not mad, but mated. How I do not know.

LUCIANA
It is a fault that springeth from your eye.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

LUCIANA
Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.

LUCIANA
Why call you me ‘ love ’? Call my sister so.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Thy sister's sister.

LUCIANA
That's my sister.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
No,
It is thyself, mine own self's better part,
Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart,
My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim,
My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim.

LUCIANA
All this my sister is, or else should be.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee.
Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life.
Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife.
Give me thy hand.

LUCIANA
O, soft, sir, hold you still.
I'll fetch my sister to get her good will.
Exit
Enter Dromio of Syracuse

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why, how now, Dromio.
Where runnest thou so fast?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Do you know me, sir? Am I
Dromio? Am I your man? Am I myself?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Thou art, Dromio. Thou
art my man, thou art thyself.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I am an ass, I am a woman's
man, and besides myself.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What woman's man? And
how besides thyself?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, besides myself I am
due to a woman. One that claims me, one that haunts
me, one that will have me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What claim lays she to
thee?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, such claim as you
would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a
beast – not that, I being a beast, she would have me,
but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim
to me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What is she?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
A very reverent body – ay, such
a one as a man may not speak of without he say ‘ sir-reverence.’
I have but lean luck in the match, and yet
is she a wondrous fat marriage.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
How dost thou mean, a fat
marriage?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, she's the kitchen
wench, and all grease; and I know not what use to put
her to but to make a lamp of her and run from her by
her own light. I warrant her rags and the tallow in
them will burn a Poland winter. If she lives till doomsday
she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What complexion is she
of?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Swart like my shoe, but her face
nothing like so clean kept. For why? She sweats a man
may go overshoes in the grime of it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
That's a fault that water
will mend.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, sir, 'tis in grain. Noah's
flood could not do it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What's her name?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Nell, sir; but her name and
three quarters – that's an ell and three quarters – will
not measure her from hip to hip.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Then she bears some
breadth?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No longer from head to foot
than from hip to hip. She is spherical, like a globe. I
could find out countries in her.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
In what part of her body
stands Ireland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, in her buttocks. I
found it out by the bogs.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Where Scotland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I found it by the barrenness,
hard in the palm of the hand.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Where France?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
In her forehead, armed and
reverted, making war against her heir.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Where England?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I looked for the chalky cliffs,
but I could find no whiteness in them. But I guess it
stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between
France and it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Where Spain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Faith, I saw it not, but I felt
it hot in her breath.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Where America, the Indies?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
O, sir, upon her nose, all o'er
embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining
their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain, who
sent whole armadoes of carracks to be ballast at her nose.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Where stood Belgia, the
Netherlands?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
O, sir, I did not look so low.
To conclude, this drudge, or diviner laid claim to me,
called me Dromio, swore I was assured to her, told me
what privy marks I had about me, as the mark of my
shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my
left arm, that I, amazed, ran from her as a witch.
And I think if my breast had not been made of faith, and my heart of steel,
She had transformed me to a curtal dog, and made me turn i'the wheel.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Go hie thee presently. Post to the road.
An if the wind blow any way from shore
I will not harbour in this town tonight.
If any bark put forth, come to the mart,
Where I will walk till thou return to me.
If everyone knows us, and we know none,
'Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
As from a bear a man would run for life,
So fly I from her that would be my wife.
Exit

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
There's none but witches do inhabit here,
And therefore 'tis high time that I were hence.
She that doth call me husband, even my soul
Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,
Possessed with such a gentle sovereign grace,
Of such enchanting presence and discourse,
Hath almost made me traitor to myself.
But lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,
I'll stop mine ears against the mermaid's song.
Enter Angelo with the chain

ANGELO
Master Antipholus.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Ay, that's my name.

ANGELO
I know it well, sir. Lo, here's the chain.
I thought to have ta'en you at the Porpentine.
The chain unfinished made me stay thus long.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What is your will that I shall do with this?

ANGELO
What please yourself, sir. I have made it for you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.

ANGELO
Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
Go home with it, and please your wife withal,
And soon at supper-time I'll visit you,
And then receive my money for the chain.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I pray you, sir, receive the money now,
For fear you ne'er see chain nor money more.

ANGELO
You are a merry man, sir. Fare you well.
Exit

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What I should think of this I cannot tell.
But this I think: there's no man is so vain
That would refuse so fair an offered chain.
I see a man here needs not live by shifts,
When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.
I'll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay;
If any ship put out, then straight away!
Exit
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