Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans
SHALLOW
Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make
a Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir
John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire.
SLENDER
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
Coram.
Coram (n.) malapropism for ‘quorum’ [part of a legal formula for installing the number of justices needed to constitute a bench]
SHALLOW
Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
SLENDER
Ay, and Ratolorum too. And a gentleman born,
master parson, who writes himself Armigero – in any
bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, Armigero.
SHALLOW
Ay, that I do, and have done any time these
three hundred years.
SLENDER
All his successors gone before him hath done't;
and all his ancestors that come after him may. They may
give the dozen white luces in their coat.
SHALLOW
It is an old coat.
EVANS
The dozen white louses do become an old coat well.
It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar beast to man, and
passant (adj.) [heraldry] walking, with three paws on the ground and one raised
signifies love.
SHALLOW
The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an
old coat.
SLENDER
I may quarter, coz?
SHALLOW
You may, by marrying.
EVANS
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW
Not a whit.
EVANS
Yes, py'r lady. If he has a quarter of your coat,
there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple
skirt (n.) 1 one of four pieces of cloth forming the lower part of a long coat
conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff
have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the
Church, and will be glad to do my benevolence, to make
atonements and compromises between you.
SHALLOW
The Council shall hear it. It is a riot.
EVANS
It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There is no
fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you, shall desire
to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot. Take your
vizaments in that.
SHALLOW
Ha! O'my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
EVANS
It is petter that friends is the swort, and end it.
swort (n.) pronunciation of ‘sword’ or ‘sort’ [= outcome]
See Topics: Welsh
And there is also another device in my prain, which
peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is
Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page,
which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and
speaks small like a woman?
EVANS
It is that fery person for all the 'orld, as just as you
will desire. And seven hundred pounds of moneys, and
gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed –
Got deliver to a joyful resurrections! – give, when she is
able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot
motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire
a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne
Page.
SHALLOW
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound?
EVANS
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
SHALLOW
I know the young gentlewoman. She has good
gifts.
EVANS
Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot
gifts.
SHALLOW
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is
Falstaff there?
EVANS
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not
true. The knight Sir John is there. And I beseech you be
ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for
Master Page. (He knocks) What, ho! Got pless your
house here!
PAGE
(within)
Who's there?
EVANS
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and
Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow
to your likings.
Enter Page
PAGE
I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you
for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much good
do it your good heart! I wished your venison better – it
was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page? – And I
thank you always with my heart, la! With my heart.
PAGE
Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW
Sir, I thank you. By yea and no, I do.
PAGE
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard
say he was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE
It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER
You'll not confess. You'll not confess.
SHALLOW
That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your
fault. 'Tis a good dog.
PAGE
A cur, sir.
SHALLOW
Sir, he's a good dog and a fair dog. Can there
be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff
here?
PAGE
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
office between you.
EVANS
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
SHALLOW
He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW
If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that
so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed he hath,
at a word, he hath. Believe me – Robert Shallow,
Esquire, saith he is wronged.
PAGE
Here comes Sir John.
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me
to the King?
SHALLOW
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF
But not kissed your keeper's daughter?
SHALLOW
Tut, a pin! This shall be answered.
pin (n.) 1 trifle, triviality, insignificant amount
FALSTAFF
I will answer it straight. I have done all this.
That is now answered.
SHALLOW
The Council shall know this.
FALSTAFF
'Twere better for you if it were known in
counsel. You'll be laughed at.
EVANS
Pauca verba, Sir John, goot worts.
FALSTAFF
Good worts? Good cabbage! – Slender, I
wort (n.) 2 [pun on Evans' pronunciation of ‘word’] cabbage
broke your head. What matter have you against me?
SLENDER
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you, and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and
made me drunk, and afterward picked my pocket.
BARDOLPH
You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus?
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
NYM
Slice, I say. Pauca, pauca. Slice! That's my humour.
SLENDER
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell,
cousin?
EVANS
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
three umpires in this matter, as I understand – that is,
Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself,
fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally,
mine host of the Garter.
PAGE
We three to hear it, and end it between them.
EVANS
Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my notebook,
and we will afterwards 'ork upon the cause with as great
discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF
Pistol!
PISTOL
He hears with ears.
EVANS
The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, ‘He
hears with ear'? Why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he – or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber again
else – of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
shovel-boards, that cost me two shillings and twopence
apiece of Yed Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF
Is this true, Pistol?
EVANS
No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.
PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! – Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest!
SLENDER
(pointing to Nym)
By these gloves, then 'twas he.
NYM
Be advised, sir, and pass good humours. I will say
‘ Marry trap with you,’ if you run the nuthook's humour
on me. That is the very note of it.
SLENDER
By this hat, then he in the red face had it. For
though I cannot remember what I did when you made
me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF
What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH
Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
EVANS
It is his ‘ five senses.’ Fie, what the ignorance is!
BARDOLPH
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered.
And so conclusions passed the careers.
SLENDER
Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But 'tis no
matter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be
drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of
God, and not with drunken knaves.
EVANS
So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen.
You hear it.
Enter Anne Page, with wine, Mistress Ford, and
Mistress Page
PAGE
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in – we'll drink
within.
Exit Anne Page
SLENDER
O heaven! This is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford?
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met. By your leave, good mistress.
He kisses her
PAGE
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we
have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen, I
hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except Slender
SLENDER
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book
of Songs and Sonnets here.
Enter Simple
How now, Simple, where have you been? I must wait
on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
about you, have you?
SIMPLE
Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas?
Enter Shallow and Evans
SHALLOW
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word
with you, coz. Marry, this, coz – there is as 'twere a
tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be
so, I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER
So I do, sir.
EVANS
Give ear to his motions. Master Slender, I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
SLENDER
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I
pray you pardon me. He's a justice of peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.
EVANS
But that is not the question. The question is
concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW
Ay, there's the point, sir.
EVANS
Marry, is it, the very point of it – to Mistress Anne
Page.
SLENDER
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands.
EVANS
But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips – for divers
philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth.
Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to
the maid?
SHALLOW
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
SLENDER
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
would do reason.
EVANS
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! You must speak
possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards
her.
SHALLOW
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
marry her?
SLENDER
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz –
what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
SLENDER
I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
decrease it upon better acquaintance when we are
married and have more occasion to know one another.
I hope upon familiarity will grow more content. But if
you say ‘ Marry her,’ I will marry her – that I am freely
dissolved, and dissolutely.
EVANS
It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the
'ord ‘ dissolutely.’ The 'ort is, according to our meaning,
‘ resolutely.’ His meaning is good.
SHALLOW
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
Enter Anne Page
SHALLOW
Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I
were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE
The dinner is on the table. My father desires your
worships' company.
SHALLOW
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
EVANS
'Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the
grace.
Exeunt Shallow and Evans
ANNE
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very
well.
ANNE
The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth.
(To Simple) Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait
upon my cousin Shallow.
Exit Simple
A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet,
till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I live
like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE
I may not go in without your worship – they will
not sit till you come.
SLENDER
I'faith, I'll eat nothing. I thank you as much as
though I did.
ANNE
I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my
shin th'other day with playing at sword and dagger with
a master of fence – three veneys for a dish of stewed
prunes – and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of
hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there
bears i'th'town?
ANNE
I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.
SLENDER
I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it as any man in England. You are afraid if you see the
bear loose, are you not?
ANNE
Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
the chain. But, I warrant you, the women have so cried
and shrieked at it, that it passed. But women, indeed,
cannot abide 'em – they are very ill-favoured rough
things.
Enter Page
PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for
you.
SLENDER
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
come.
SLENDER
Nay, pray you lead the way.
PAGE
Come on, sir.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE
Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on.
SLENDER
Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do
you that wrong.
ANNE
I pray you, sir.
SLENDER
I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt