Twelfth Night


Text
Act I
Act II
Act III
Act IV
Act V
Enter Maria and Feste


MARIA

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;

make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it
curate (n.) parish priest, parson

quickly. I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

Exit


FESTE

Well, I'll put it on and I will dissemble myself in't,
dissemble (v.) 1 disguise, cloak, give a deceptive appearance to

and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such

a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function
become (v.) 3 put a good front on, give a pleasing appearance to
function (n.) 3 office, occupation, calling

well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student. But

to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as
housekeeper, house-keeper (n.) 1 householder, hospitable person
say (v.) 3 proclaim, announce, declare

fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The
careful (adj.) 3 painstaking, serious-minded, attentive

competitors enter.
competitor (n.) 1 partner, associate, colleague

Enter Sir Toby and Maria


SIR TOBY

Jove bless thee, Master Parson!


FESTE

Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for as the old hermit of

Prague that never saw pen and ink very wittily said to

a niece of King Gorboduc: that that is, is. So I, being

Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘ that ’ but

‘ that ’? And ‘ is ’ but ‘ is ’?


SIR TOBY

To him, Sir Topas.


FESTE

What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!


SIR TOBY

The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
counterfeit (v.) 2 pretend, feign, make believe See Topics: Frequency count
knave (n.) 3 boy, lad, fellow


MALVOLIO

(within)

Who calls there?


FESTE

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

the lunatic.


MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to

my lady –


FESTE

Out, hyperbolical fiend, how vexest thou this man!
hyperbolical (adj.) outrageous, immoderate, intemperate

Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?


SIR TOBY

Well said, Master Parson.


MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged.

Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid

me here in hideous darkness –


FESTE

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will

use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that
gentle (adj.) 3 refined, discriminating, sophisticated

house is dark?


MALVOLIO

As hell, Sir Topas.


FESTE

Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
barricado (n.) barricade, rampart, barrier

and the clerestories toward the south – north
clerestory, clearstory (n.) upper window [designed for letting in light]
puzzle (v.) 1 bewilder, perplex, baffle

are as lustrous as ebony. And yet complainest thou of

obstruction!


MALVOLIO

I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this

house is dark.


FESTE

Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but

ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the

Egyptians in their fog.


MALVOLIO

I say this house is as dark as ignorance,

though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say there

was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
abuse (v.) 2 misuse, maltreat, treat badly, wrong

are – make the trial of it in any constant question.
constant (adj.) 2 settled, resolved, decided


FESTE

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning

wildfowl?


MALVOLIO

That the soul of our grandam might haply
haply (adv.) perhaps, maybe, by chance, with luck See Topics: Frequency count

inhabit a bird.


FESTE

What thinkest thou of his opinion?


MALVOLIO

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve

his opinion.


FESTE

Fare thee well; remain thou still in darkness. Thou
still (adv.) 1 constantly, always, continually See Topics: Frequency count

shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of
allow (v.) 3 acknowledge, grant, admit

thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess
wits, also five wits faculties of the mind (common wit, imagination, fantasy, estimation, memory) or body (the five senses)

the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.


MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!


SIR TOBY

My most exquisite Sir Topas!


FESTE

Nay, I am for all waters.
water (n.) 2 lustre, sheen, quality


MARIA

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard

and gown; he sees thee not.


SIR TOBY

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word

how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this

knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would
deliver (v.) 3 free, release, liberate
knavery (n.) 1 roguish trick, rouguery, trickery

he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece

that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport the upshot.
sport (n.) 1 recreation, amusement, entertainment See Topics: Frequency count
upshot (n.) 1 remaining stroke, final shot [as in archery, determining the result]

Come by and by to my chamber.

Exeunt Sir Toby and Maria


FESTE

(sings)

Hey Robin, jolly Robin!

Tell me how thy lady does –


MALVOLIO

Fool!


FESTE

(sings)

My lady is unkind, perdy.


MALVOLIO

Fool!


FESTE

(sings)

Alas, why is she so?


MALVOLIO

Fool, I say!


FESTE

(sings)

She loves another –

Who calls, ha?


MALVOLIO

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at

my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper.

As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee

for't.


FESTE

Master Malvolio?


MALVOLIO

Ay, good fool.


FESTE

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
wits, also five wits faculties of the mind (common wit, imagination, fantasy, estimation, memory) or body (the five senses)


MALVOLIO

Fool, there was never man so notoriously

abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
wits, also five wits faculties of the mind (common wit, imagination, fantasy, estimation, memory) or body (the five senses)


FESTE

But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be

no better in your wits than a fool.
wits, also five wits faculties of the mind (common wit, imagination, fantasy, estimation, memory) or body (the five senses)


MALVOLIO

They have here propertied me; keep me in
property (v.) 1 make a property of, treat as an object, exploit

darkness, send ministers to me – asses! – and do all they

can to face me out of my wits.
face (v.) 3 bully, intimidate, turn
wits, also five wits faculties of the mind (common wit, imagination, fantasy, estimation, memory) or body (the five senses)


FESTE

Advise you what you say. The minister is here.
advise, avise (v.) 1 consider, take thought, reflect

(In priest's voice) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the

heavens restore! Endeavour thyself to sleep and leave

thy vain bibble-babble.
bibble-babble (n.) chatter, gabble, empty talk


MALVOLIO

Sir Topas!


FESTE

Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (In own

voice) Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir

Topas! (In priest's voice) Marry, amen! (In own voice)

I will, sir, I will.


MALVOLIO

Fool! Fool! Fool, I say!


FESTE

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent
shent (v.) 1 [from obsolete verb ‘shend’] blamed, rebuked, reproached

for speaking to you.


MALVOLIO

Good fool, help me to some light and some

paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in

Illyria.


FESTE

Well-a-day, that you were, sir!


MALVOLIO

By this hand, I am! Good fool, some ink,

paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to my

lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing

of letter did.


FESTE

I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not

mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?
counterfeit (v.) 2 pretend, feign, make believe See Topics: Frequency count


MALVOLIO

Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.


FESTE

Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his

brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.


MALVOLIO

Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree. I

prithee, be gone.


FESTE

(sings)

I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,
anon (adv.) 1 soon, shortly, presently See Topics: Frequency count

I'll be with you again.
trice (n.) 1 brief period, moment, instant
vice (n.) 1 (usually capitalized) buffoon, stage jester See Topics: Contemporary figures, factual and fictitious

In a trice, like to the old Vice,

Your need to sustain.
lath (n.) 1 thin wood

Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,

Cries ‘ Ah ha!’ to the devil;

Like a mad lad – ‘ Pare thy nails, dad?

Adieu, goodman devil!’

Exit

 
  Previous scene     Next scene